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Emotional Intelligence is critical to our well-being and health. It’s also an essential skill for building relationships, pursuing goals, making decisions, and creating personal and professional success. But what exactly is emotional intelligence, how do we know if we have it, and how (if at all) can we grow it?
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Like the Inside Out movies where inner characters Joy, Anger, Disgust, Fear, and Sadness are helming a switchboard inside young Riley’s brain, our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs influence how we communicate with others, pursue goals, make decisions, and navigate our daily life. One component of emotional intelligence is our ability to recognize those inner characters and to manage and influence who is at the controls in healthy and positive ways.
Another component of emotional intelligence is our ability to identify, understand, and empathize with the emotions of other people. That is, to know who is at the controls of other people’s switchboards and how that influences their behaviors.
Being in tune with our own and others’ emotions reduces stress, increases connection and closeness, enhances performance at work, and improves our overall health.
How Do I Know If I’m Emotionally Intelligent?
To gauge your emotional intelligence, ask yourself these questions without judgment. Keep in mind that wherever you land right now, emotional intelligence is a skill you can continuously develop.
- How broad is my emotional vocabulary? Do I tend to use general words like sad, happy, angry to describe my emotions or do I use more specific words like sullen, disappointed, delighted, irritated, and furious?
- How well can I understand my thoughts and feelings? Do I know who is at my inner switchboard?
- How compassionate am I toward myself when I make mistakes?
- How well do I manage my thoughts and emotions in challenging situations?
- What are my typical coping strategies? How often do I lean on healthy ones?
- How empathetic am I towards others?
- How well can I identify what other people are feeling?
What Can I Do To Increase My Emotional Intelligence?
A common misperception is that intelligence is inherited and unchanging. The good news is, you can develop your emotional intelligence through small, consistent actions.
Check In With Your Inner Emotional Team
Throughout your day, take a minute to identify who is at the helm of your inner switchboard. Without judging or trying to change anything, notice what’s happening in your body. Does your energy feel buzzy or turned down? Do you have any sensations in your hands, throat, stomach, or head? What thoughts are present? What behaviors might give you a clue about what you’re feeling? As you advance in your practice, see how nuanced you can be in labeling your emotion. For example, are you irritated or are you furious? Joyful or ecstatic?
This practice might be uncomfortable at first. We all have emotions that we tend to avoid, often holding them down like a kickboard under water. The problem is, like a kickboard, when we hold our emotions down too hard or for too long, they can suddenly fly out and hit us or other people in the face. That can often do more damage to ourselves and our relationships than if we learn to identify, feel, and express those emotions in healthy ways. This practice is a great way to build your emotional capacity.
Practice Identifying Other People’s Inner Team
When you’re with another person, take a moment to see if you can identify who is helming their inner switchboard. Notice their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. See what words or actions might give you a clue to their inner emotional world. If it feels safe and appropriate to ask, you might inquire about their feelings directly to see how accurate you are.
Mindfulness
Not only is mindfulness great for stress reduction and increased focus, it’s also a practice of nonjudgmental awareness of what’s happening within you and in your immediate environment. Practices that focus on your inner experience like meditation, body scans, and breathwork can help increase your awareness of your body sensations, thoughts, and feelings. Practices that focus on your outer experience like mindful seeing, listening, and walking can help you become more attuned to your environment, which can increase your ability to read facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice in others. What’s more, all mindfulness practices increase your ability to be curious, compassionate, and nonjudgmental toward yourself and others.
Conclusion
Improving your emotional intelligence can significantly impact all areas of your life. Start today by being more mindful of your emotions and those of others. How do you practice emotional intelligence in your daily life? Share your experiences in the comments below.
